In the paper of record you will read today that former New York
mayor Rudy Giuliani's protege is continuing his forefather's
crackdown on impure fun.
Mr. Giuliani, you will recall, banned adult bookstores, novelty
shops, and video stores within 500 ft. of a church or school.
He also banned topless dancing and oversaw the more lenient
anti-smoking law. But now Our Mayor will end smoking
in all restaurants and bars. Combined with the $7.50 per pack
cost of cigarettes, these laws continue to liberate New Yorkers
from their vices.
The dangerous corollary to the doctrine that we need to preserve
the work atmosphere of restaurant and bar workers is that
tobacco use may be substituted with something smoke-less, like LSD.
But, thankfully, Senator Biden (the same who brings you the sham
"hearings" on the "inevitable" war with Iraq) has proposed
legislation to outlaw raves as well. Senator Biden reminds us
that rave venues (night clubs) promote dancing and drug use.
More discrete stupefaction is available. The use of addictive
medications that are prescribed by doctors (at the request of their
patients who have seen advertising on TV) is a marvelous new path.
There is a pill, it seems, for every nagging doubt about the course
of world events. True, it may be discovered soon that these drugs
also cause brain tumors, like Prozac, but the pharmaceutical corporations
have learned to form their subsidiaries as limited liability corporations,
so that in troublesome cases they can re-emerge with new names --
not unlike the terrorists and presidential daughters who have falsified
their identities to circumvent the rule of law.
The effect of Mr. Bloomberg's new law will be that in addition
to walking around talking on cell-phones, thousands of New
Yorkers will be wearing back-packs to free up their other hand
for smoking. Given the exhilarating nature of walking among the New
York taxis, many of these new Homo WalkingTalkingSmokersapiens
are bound to meet their ends beneath the wheels of a cabs.
But this is actually a good thing, because it will save the
Health Maintenance Organizations millions of dollars in care
for elderly cancer patients. This will, in turn, free up
money that is desperately needed to finance the skyrocketing
executive salaries of America's health industry CEOs. God
bless America. Let us go forth and shore up the good in this
world strewn with evil. Amen.
- Pastor Purity of the Church of No Mercy