February 19, 2002

Dear Friends,

Because of my past record as a Marine Corpse general and my impeccable record for Superpatriotism and Corruption, I have been assigned to the Pentagon's new Office of Strategic Influence.

The USer war against Afghanistan has been won, and thanks to the destruction of that terrible little country, the Free World is more free. Believe me: I have said it--and that's all the guarantee you need. On behalf of the Free World, the US will next return its attention to Iraq, to complete the destruction of all the evil there. President Bush has seen North Korea personally, and has declared that it even looks evil.

The wicked, guilty prisoners at Guantanamo, awaiting trial, are all comfortable and well-fed, and in order to save themselves from the humiliation of trial have admitted that they are evil terrorists who should be executed.

The USer who defected and fought with the Taliban is proof of President Bush's wise axiom that either you are with the US or you are a terrorist. The whole world now recognises this fact, and thanks the US for having the death penalty so that evil people can be properly punished.

The Europeans will wise up soon and join the truly free countries of the world--the US, China, Israel, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia--and restore the god-given right to capital punishment guaranteed by the US constitution.

George Bush has been tested, and is half bright. That's the truth.

Dick Cheney is a decent man. John Ashcroft is a good Christian dedicated to justice. He is not as much a fanatic as most people think he is.

The US stands ready to run the world, and eliminate all parts of it which don't approve of our kind of democracy. Eliminating the United Nations will save a lot of money which can be donated to the rich to keep them healthy. Everybody has agreed that this is the best solution to any problems anyone might have. Trust us. As Jesus said, "The poor you will have always with you, whether or not; but you must cultivate and protect the rich." So be it.

President Bush's advisors have completed plans for bombing greenhouse gasses with dry ice and air conditioning both the North Pole and Antarctica.

To increase national security, all good people will be required to have US flags tattooed on their foreheads. Evil people will be identified by other tattoos: foreign flags, pink triangles, black spots surrounded by circles. Anyone in the world who doesn't speak Free American will be shot.

Rely on me. Everyone at the Office of Strategic Influence is pledged to creating the kinds of lies that will make us all secure. Especially the rich, and those who believe in the USer dream.

God bless America. As usual, he is on Our Side, where he belongs. Any god not on our side must be a terrorist god, and will be hunted until we can't find him.

Bert Hornback