February 19, 2002
Because of my past record as a Marine Corpse general and my
impeccable record for Superpatriotism and Corruption, I have been
assigned to the Pentagon's new Office of Strategic
The USer war against Afghanistan has been won, and thanks to the
destruction of that terrible little country, the Free World is more
free. Believe me: I have said it--and that's all the
guarantee you need. On behalf of the Free World, the US will
next return its attention to Iraq, to complete the destruction of
all the evil there. President Bush has seen North Korea
personally, and has declared that it even looks evil.
The wicked, guilty prisoners at Guantanamo, awaiting trial, are all
comfortable and well-fed, and in order to save themselves from the
humiliation of trial have admitted that they are evil terrorists
who should be executed.
The USer who defected and fought with the Taliban is proof of
President Bush's wise axiom that either you are with the US or you
are a terrorist. The whole world now recognises this fact,
and thanks the US for having the death penalty so that evil people
can be properly punished.
The Europeans will wise up soon and join the truly free countries
of the world--the US, China, Israel, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia--and
restore the god-given right to capital punishment guaranteed by the
George Bush has been tested, and is half bright. That's the
Dick Cheney is a decent man. John Ashcroft is a good
Christian dedicated to justice. He is not as much a fanatic
as most people think he is.
The US stands ready to run the world, and eliminate all parts of it
which don't approve of our kind of democracy. Eliminating the
United Nations will save a lot of money which can be donated to the
rich to keep them healthy. Everybody has agreed that this is
the best solution to any problems anyone might have. Trust
us. As Jesus said, "The poor you will have always with you,
whether or not; but you must cultivate and protect the rich."
So be it.
President Bush's advisors have completed plans for bombing
greenhouse gasses with dry ice and air conditioning both the North
Pole and Antarctica.
To increase national security, all good people will be required to
have US flags tattooed on their foreheads. Evil people will
be identified by other tattoos: foreign flags, pink
triangles, black spots surrounded by circles. Anyone in the
world who doesn't speak Free American will be shot.
Rely on me. Everyone at the Office of Strategic Influence is
pledged to creating the kinds of lies that will make us all
secure. Especially the rich, and those who believe in the
God bless America. As usual, he is on Our Side, where he
belongs. Any god not on our side must be a terrorist god, and
will be hunted until we can't find him.