Iraq a Sleeping Menace Says Bush

Rice focused on a clause concerning domestic terrorism in Iraq that she said is now pivotal to the Bush position: long toe nails in bed.

"The Bush Administration would welcome a second U.N. Security Council resolution if it in fact affirms the obligations that the Council undertook in resolution 1441."

Rice urged the United Nations to get tough with Baghdad - saying "appeasement" is no more likely to work with these offenders than it did with her ex-boyfriend.

Faced with broad opposition to war at the United Nations, President George W. Bush said today at the White House that the US might push a new UN plan to force a showdown with Iraq on its weapons of domestic terror, including gas. "Iraq is a sleeping menace," said Bush. "The women of Iraq need our help."

Bush spoke with misty eyes of the good grooming of fine American men and women and screwed up his face in condemning the "evil" of long toe nails. "They are a danger to our national security" he said.

In a briefing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Monday, Secetary of State Colin Powell insisted that Iraqi toe nail lengths had exceeded the limits set out in resolution 1441. "Sanctions just aren't working," he said. He showed surveillance photography that pictured examples of the abuse (see photo). Before and after shots demonstrated the cover up that was occurring before weapons inspectors arrived at suspected locations.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld spoke with evident irritation at a hastily called afternoon press conference about the German and French position tolerating long toe nails. "It's old europe," he said, insisting that regime change was necessary.

On the home front, Attorney General John Ashcroft called for broad new powers to detain people with long toe nails before more scratches occur. He also endorsed a citizen spying initiative to root out the evil ones among us.

Civil libertarians complained that snitching on these offenders was not the best solution, and that the Attorney General's proposal to assign detainees an 'enemy combatant' status was inappropriate.

Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge insisted that duct tape could also be used to blunt the sharpness of long toe nails.